


To Care

by The_small_one_to_rule_them_all



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Background Deceit Sanders, Blood and Injury, Crying, Gen, Human Thomas Sanders, Hurt Morality | Patton Sanders, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Feelings, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Issues, Logic | Logan Sanders Needs a Hug, Major Character Injury, Mild Blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all/pseuds/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all
Summary: "Logan had ducked out a while ago, three months, six days, five hours, and 13 seconds ago to be exact. If he was honest, he was both relieved and distraught that none of the others had come looking for him"Logan leaves. What does it take to bring him back? What would make him stay? Would anything?
Comments: 9
Kudos: 183





	1. Logan's Leave

**Author's Note:**

> warnings, because the tags are a mess and not everything has a tag  
> \- deceit is mentioned, not discussed  
> \- mild blood, mentioned  
> \- stabbing mention  
> \- knife mentions  
> \- death mentions  
> \- crying  
> \- injury
> 
> this one is a darker one folks, keep yourselves safe.

Logan had ducked out a while ago, three months, six days, five hours, and 13 seconds ago to be exact. If he was honest, he was both relieved and distraught that none of the others had come looking for him. At least that means he made a good choice in leaving. It still hurt though. They didn't even try to summon him often, and when they had, they didn't really try. Being summoned was like someone was grabbing you by the chest and pulling you to them, if they pulled hard enough, it really hurt. Logan couldn't remember the last time he had felt any physical pain. 

It has been over a month since they last tried to summon him. He wasn't surprised, they probably just thought he was in his room. He had locked the door and made it impenetrable, no one could just rise up and go there. Afterall, it’s better this way, better not to hurt them with his strong opinions and misunderstanding of social cues. He no longer needs his vocabulary cards, he already has them memorized. He never used that information anyway. He has learned a lot in his travels, things from geology to astronomy to medicine to psychology to physics. Things that might be useful if he ever decides it’s worth it to return. He isn't sure that will happen. 

Suddenly he feels a sharp pain in his chest. He falls to the floor from the intensity and shock of it. Focusing on his surroundings, he fights against the pull. He feels like his heart is being pulled out of his chest but he just sobs and fights back. He knows that Patton is summoning him. He can hear Patton calling for him. He can hear him crying. 

Patton must've gotten into his room and realised he left. He had left a note there because he figured they would force their way in sometime, but he knows that they don't really care. It took them three months to be willing to go to these lengths to find him. Obviously they don't need him.

Patton is screaming at him now. The others are summoning him too. Virgil, Roman, and even Deceit have a hold on him, summoning him with all their might. Logan thinks he might pass out from the pain but if he does that they’ll be able to summon him and he can't have that.

So he does the only thing he can. He yells. He lets out a scream of rage and pain, letting out all the sadness he has felt over the past three months. It is a horrible sound, more like mourning than anger. The strength of it radiates his pain to the others.

They are startled enough to stop pulling, though still keep a grip on him and Logan gasps in relief as the pain fades. 

“I'm  _ not  _ coming back.” he says, hoping it’s answer enough to convince them to leave him alone. 

Nonetheless, they do not falter in their pursuit of him.

“ _ Let me go! _ ” He demands. He knows the others hear him, yet their grip only tightens. 

Logan resigns himself to knowing that they won't leave him alone. He stands and gathers his composure, walking farther out into the mindscape, resigned to wait for them to understand that he means to stay gone, forever.

One by one Deceit, Roman, and Virgil all release their hold on Logan. Patton is the only one that hasn’t let go after two weeks. He keeps as strong a hold on him as ever. Logan doesn't mind the constant ache in his chest anymore, it just reminds him of what he’s moving on from.

Two months later, Logan is surprised to hear Patton talk to him again.

“I'm dying Logan,” he says.

Logan is startled. Patton would never intentionally upset someone unless he was enraged, and that didn't sound angry.

Patton continues, Logan can hear tears in his voice, “Not in the metaphorical way either. One of the _others_ , they tried to hurt Virgil and... I... there is a knife in my chest, Logan. I'm dying. I know you can hear me, and I want you to know that i'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the horrible things I said, for every time I dismissed your opinion, for every time I made a joke about you not understanding something or liking something a lot, and for every time I failed to stand up for you when we were treating you badly. I had _no_ right to do those things, and you have every right to be angry. But Logan, i'm dying and I... I don't want to die without seeing you again. Please come back _,_ just for right now. At least come back to say goodbye _._ _Please_.” with that Patton lets go of Logan’s heart, he stops trying to bring him back, content to let him choose. 

Logan is finally free. He sighs. He is free, but somehow his heart still hurts.

\---

Patton is on the livingroom floor, his head is on Roman’s lap and Virgil and Thomas are on either side of him. He is trying so hard to still look happy. He is smiling up at the others, he knows he probably looks horrible, he can tell his face is pale. He can feel the blood on his chest and that’s what panics him, more than the pain, the blood. . 

When Logan doesn’t show up immediately, Patton’s smile fades, replaced with grief. “Why would he leave us? We were family! He was my hero, and so smart, and kind and he was my friend! Why won’t he come say goodbye?!”

Roman pets Patton’s hair, they are all crying but he’s doing his best acting and staying as composed as he can, “Shh, Patton, it’s okay. I'm sure he only did what he thought was right.”

“Correct.”

Patton gasps at the sight of Logan in front of him, and groans at the pain it brings.

Logan rushes to Patton’s side. He sets his bag down next to him pushing Virgil back a bit, “I am sorry it took so long for me to get back. I admit I had nearly forgotten what the living room looks like. But don't worry, i'm here Patton. I am going to help you, I promise.” He starts pulling things out of his bag, “You’re probably trying not to pass out right now, correct?” 

Patton nods.

“Don't. I learned lots of medicine while I was gone. Trust me, Patton. You need to let yourself slip away. You don't want to be here right now. I won't put you through that.”  Logan looks Patton in the eyes, “Patton, I am sorry. I'm not angry at you. I promise that you’re going to wake up, okay? You’re going to wake up. You’re going to be okay. And I'm going to be here with you when you do. Now, let yourself go.”

Patton smiles. He closes his eyes and everything fades away.


	2. Patton's Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patton wakes up. Is Logan still there? What happens now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings:  
> \- crying  
> \- death mention  
> \- medicine
> 
> this chapter is a bit calmer, still, take care of yourselves!

Patton wakes up and he doesn’t know where he is. His eyelids are so heavy and he doesn’t want to move. All he knows is that his chest hurts so bad, and then he remembers what had happened. The fight, Virgil’s terrified face, the knife, sitting with his family.... Logan.  _ Logan said he would be here when he wakes up.  _

Patton listens, searching for the voices of his family, just wanting to know he isn't alone. The room is relatively quiet. Then, a book page flips, there is the sound of tapping, like fingers on a screen, and a scribbling of pen on paper. They were all there. Patton wants to say something but his mouth is so dry he can't imagine he could speak. 

Slowly he regains his energy as he wakes and a few minutes later he opens his eyes. He is in his room, looking at his ceiling. He sees Virgil on his left and Logan and Roman on his right. He tries desperately to catch their eyes, but it seems they are pointedly not looking at him. He wonders what he could possibly do to get their attention. Then he remembers.

Logan gasps as he feels a faint tug on his heart, “Patton.”

They all immediately stop what they were doing and jump to give Patton their full attention. 

“Oh my gosh you’re alive!”

“Patton I can't believe you would be so stupid!”

“Don't do that to me again!”

“Are you okay?”

Patton winces as the sudden noise and the overwhelming overlap of questions he can barely process. It’s all just words, he hasn't even said anything, they’re too close to him, he can't understand the words, it’s all just noise. He closes his eyes tight, hoping that will make everything quieter.

When he doesn't actually respond to their questions they go quiet.

“Patton?” Virgil’s voice is soft “Are you okay?”

Patton almost wants to laugh at the question, _okay?_ How could he possibly be _okay_? He was just stabbed! He opens his eyes and looks at Virgil, _oh_. He looks like he might have a panic attack where he stood if Patton didn't respond. Patton realises he just wants to know he’s really alive.

Virgil stares at Patton and Patton stares back, he knows he has to say something.  _ Virgil needs to hear him, needs him to tell Virgil he’s as okay as he can be. _ He smiles. Patton opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes out. Not a sound. He frowns and tries again. Still nothing.  _ He can't talk! How is he supposed to comfort them? How can he reassure them that he’s going to be okay even if he isn't now? How can he tell them everything that needs to be said? _ Tears slip from the corners of his eyes.

Logan rubs his hand through Patton’s hair, “Hey, it’s okay. You were already losing your voice when I got here last night. Your body is exhausted, give it time. Your voice should come back soon. For now, you can blink, and that’s all you need to do. Once for yes, twice for no, okay?”

Patton opens his eyes and blinks once intentionally.

Logan gives Patton a small smile, “There you go.”

Roman takes Patton’s hand and Patton looks to him. He stares, emotion welling in him. There are so many things he wants to tell him.  _ Thank you. Thank you for being so strong for me, you never should've had to do that, you shouldn't have been so good at it. _

Roman gives him a smile, “We’re here for you Patton. Don't worry.”

Patton smiles.

Virgil clears his throat, “Hey Patt?”

Patton turns to look at him.

Virgil looks at his nose, not his eyes, “Are you... are you in a lot of pain?” 

Confused stare. 

“Do you need pain meds?” 

One blink. 

“Okay, I’ll go get those and some water with a bendy straw for you.”

Virgil practically sprints away, Patton knows it’s because he is trying to hide the tears that had been forming at the corners of his eyes. He wants to hug Virgil, or maybe he just needs a hug himself.

Logan ruffles his fingers in Patton’s hair, “Do you remember what happened?”

Patton’s face goes blank, a single blink. 

Roman quirks an eyebrow, “Can you move? Oh sorry, that’s vague. Can you wiggle your fingers or squeeze my hand?”

Patton squints his eyes, focusing his energy on moving his fingers. It works. He moves his fingers, not a lot, but they move. 

Roman beams and Patton yawns. 

Logan looks at Roman, “I told you not to have him do anything too taxing.”

“I didn't think it would take so much effort to wiggle his fingers!” Roman scoffs.

Virgil comes back in at that moment, “I have the stuff, and I brought Thomas.”

Thomas runs to Patton’s bedside, “Oh my god Patton never do that again! Don't you dare put yourself in danger like that!” He leans down, giving Patton a kiss on the forehead. He pulls back just far enough to speak, “What would’ve happened if I lost you?” Thomas whispers, voice cracking. 

After a moment, Virgil clears his throat, “His voice is gone Thomas, he can't talk. But if you ask him a yes or no question he can blink and answer you.”

“Oh.” Thomas says quietly, pulling back, “Sorry Patt, I didn't know.”

Patton gives him a sympathetic smile.

Thomas looks him in the eye, “Promise me you’ll get better?”

Patton nods, knowing Thomas needs a definite answer and not a shaky blink.

Thomas smiles, “Okay, good. I’ll hold you to it.” he says, taking Patton’s free hand and giving it a squeeze. “As much as I so desperately want to stay right now and pamper you Patton, I need to get some sleep. I feel your feelings, and even though you were asleep during the whole procedure... I wasn't.” Thomas brings a hand to his chest with a grimace. Then notices Patton’s horrified face and changes the subject, “I trust that these guys will take great care of you. Even though Logan and I still need to have a long discussion.”

“Thomas, you know-”

Thomas snaps, “No, Logan! I don't know! I don't know what happened, I don't know why you suddenly up and left us, I don't know why it took Patton being inches from death to convince you to come back, I don't know if you’re even planning on staying. So no, Logan. I don't know anything.”

Logan steps back, silent.

After a tense moment, Thomas takes a deep breath and turns back to Patton, “I love you, Patt. Get better.” He says as he leaves.

There is a silence, everyone is staring at Logan. Then Patton remembers the pain meds and calls Virgil, just enough to get his attention. When Virgil looks at him, Patton looks between the cup of water and Virgil’s face, hoping he’ll understand. 

“Oh! The meds, the water! I'm sorry Patton, here you go.”

Patton opens his mouth. Logan lifts his head slightly and Virgil places the pills in his mouth and gives Patt the straw. Patt drinks, swallowing the pills. And then he drinks the entire glass. 

“Would you like some food?” Logan asks.

Two blinks, no.

“Would you like another blanket?” Roman suggests.

Two blinks.

Would you like to listen to music?” Virgil offers.

A contemplating look, and two blinks. 

Patton stares at Logan a sad question written on his face,  _ Why?  _ He hopes Logan understands.

Virgil crosses his arms and gives Logan an ‘I told you so” look.

Roman shakes his head. “You aren't getting out of this specs.”

Logan takes a deep breath, “You want to know why I left.”

It isn't a question, but Paton nods.

Logan huffs, “Do we have to do this now?”

Patton lifts an eyebrow at him,  _ I have all day.  _

Logan gives in. “Fine. If someone brings Thomas back in, I guess i’ll explain. It’s not like I have much of a choice.”


	3. An Explanation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan is finally forced to explain why he left

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings:  
> \- lots of crying  
> \- angst
> 
> this one is shorter, it's not quite the end, partially because I refuse to have angst without a happy, or at least neutral ending, but I hope you enjoy.

Virgil summons an irritated Thomas, “Is something wrong? I was going to take a nap.”

“Well I was going to attempt to explain myself.” Logan says, “I thought you would want to be here for that, but if you would rather take a nap that is fine too.”

“Oh, no. I am staying. I want to hear this.”

Roman summons a chair for him and when he sits everyone looks to Logan expectantly.

Logan sighs, “So, before I tell you why, there is one thing I need to know which might explain a lot. When do you think I left? Or, perhaps a better question is how long do you think I was gone before Patton got into my room?”

Virgil thinks it over, “Uh... I think you left maybe a week or so before Patton got the room open.”

Roman nods, “Yeah, maybe two weeks at most by then.”

Logan frowns and shakes his head, “I had been gone for three months and six days by the time Patton got into my room.”

Everyone’s jaw drops. 

“Three months?” Roman asks.

“Yes, three months and nearly a week and you didn't even notice I was gone.” Logan sounds like he is trying to be harsh and angry, but sadness and pain leak through his words and he hates it. 

Virgil looks so guilty, he can't even find words to speak at the moment. He notices that Patton is crying and leans forward to take his hand.

Roman has his head in his hands. 

Thomas is just staring in shock. 

“I left because I wasn't needed, wasn't noticed, and wasn't appreciated. I only ever irritated you all with my analysis and improper use of my sang vocabulary cards. You all seemed to only tolerate me. You would call me names and tease me. You all didn't seem to care about my feelings. You ignored all my contributions, sometimes throwing them out the metaphorical window before I could even finish my thought. There was no reason to stay. I could safely move to a different part of the mindscape without limiting my ability to help Thomas and leave you all well enough alone. It was a win-win. Considering how long it took you all to figure out I had even left in the first place I see my presence obviously wasn't missed. Obviously you don't care about me and only noticed I was gone when you really needed me.”

Logan grits his jaw, finding his emotions rising, knowing he can't hold them in anymore, “You act like I left without thinking about it. Did you really think I would leave without reason or if I thought it would seriously hurt Thomas? I'm the Logical side! I knew what I was doing! Of course I know some of these thoughts are cognitive distortions, but it took me getting away from all of you to be able to think through them logically. I was better when I left. I made myself a mind palace. I learned everything I could because I knew eventually i'd have to return, eventually there would be a problem too big for you to solve on your own, eventually you would need me, and you’d come begging. And of course i’ll help you, and of course i’ll stay to make sure Patton heals well and is healthy again. But I cannot promise that i’ll stay forever. Not unless something big changes. And so far, _nothing_ has.” Logan crosses his arms and takes a deep breath, urging his tears back. “So since you are all so eager to keep me here, tell me why in the _world_ I should stay.” His voice shakes on the last word and he lets it, not bothering to even clear his throat. 

He sits in the silence, leaving room for it, giving them all time to process what he told them. 

“I’m so sorry Logan.” Virgil says with a regretful sigh, “You’re right, we were awful to you, and you did exactly what I did and none of us came running... we barely noticed. I’m _sorry_. We have been horrible friends to you. We should’ve noticed. We should’ve been kinder. I.... we can't fix that and change the past now. But I would hope you would give us a chance to fix our mistakes, to make it right.”

Thomas frowns “I have a question.” He pauses as he considers the best way to ask, “What would it take for us to convince you to stay? It took Patton being moments away from dieing to bring you back, so i'm not expecting anything easy, or even simple, but I want to know. I... I need to know what it would take for you to stay.”

Logan blinks in surprise. He finds he wasn't sure they would care to ask. He thinks it over and responds, “It... it would take you all actually caring enough to treat me better than you did, not because you just want me to stay, but because you’ve actually had a change of heart and care about... about me.”

There is a long silence.

“Kiddo” Patton rasps.

Logan takes Patton’s hand with a sigh, “Patton, I understand this is hard to hear but _please_ don't hurt yourself.”

“I’m sorry.” Patton says squeezing Logan’s hand with all of his might. 

“I know.” He says, voice soft, “I know. And I appreciate it, but you need to understand... it is going to take a lot more than just you all saying sorry to fix this. There is too much hurt for that.”

With that Thomas sighs, “I... i'm going to go take that nap now, if there isn't anything more you want to share with us, Logan.”

Logan shakes his head, “Go rest.”

Thomas leaves and finally Roman lifts his head from his hands, “What can I do to show you I care? I... I don't know where to start.”

“Stop with the nicknames. Let me finish my thoughts. I have emotions, despite my jokes otherwise, please don't treat me like they don't exist. I will do my best to treat you all the same way I am wanting you to treat me. Which should start with an apology. I... I yelled at you all just now and used hurtful words that I should not have used. I apologise for any hurt I may have caused and for not communicating in a healthier manner.”

Roman nods, “Apology accepted. Though, I should apologise too, I had no idea that you didn't like the nicknames. I'm sorry, please give me some grace as I stop using them after so long. Umm, there is one i'm partial to though, can I call you Lo?”

Logan smiles, “You may. Thank you for asking. “L” is also an acceptable nickname.”

After a moment Logan notices the grip on his hand has faded and hums, “Patton is asleep and today has been long already, why don't we give him some space.”

“What if he wakes up and no one is here? He is going to be scared!” 

“Not if he is in his room.” Logan insists, sinking out with Patton and reappearing a few moments later. “There, all safe and comfortable. Now, I think we all deserve some time to rest.”


	4. A Picture's Worth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan stays to take care of Patton. The next few weeks are long for Logan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no warning, just some angst and hurt comfort. Enjoy!

The next few weeks are long for Logan. He spends his days tending to Patton, but Patton sleeps often, healing and resting. So, Logan finds that for the first time in three months, he isn't alone and it is exhausting. 

He has a hard time trying to interact with Roman and Virgil again. They know they can't act like nothing has changed, but they don't know what else to do. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and Logan finds himself often hoping Patton would get better sooner so he could just _leave_. But there are moments... sitting in the living room watching a Disney movie and bantering like they used to, Virgil stopping in to check on Patton, but also Logan, taking shifts to make sure that he is getting the rest he needs too. Roman singing a song and Logan humming the duet line while reading across the room, moments of happiness. Those moments feel real. They remind Logan of the good he had left behind. 

Those happy moments grow more frequent as the weeks wear on. Slowly Patton joins the movie nights and for some reason Logan doesn't mind his puns as much as he remembers. Roman and Patton duet in the kitchen while waiting for dinner to cook and Logan finds that the noise is more soothing than distracting. He walks in on Patton and Virgil listening to music and making friendship bracelets, he closes the door to let them be and... he  _ smiles _ . Logan can't remember the last time he smiled like this. 

Logan finds himself rearranging his room in his spare time, making it brighter, giving it a bit more color by painting his bookshelves with images from their contents, letting in light, adding a string of fairy lights to the bay window. He even takes the time to rearrange his desk which had fallen into disarray before he left with all of his planning. 

Eventually, Patton realizes that he feels better, completely better. He is sure the others notice too but he refuses to say anything, if only to have that little bit longer with Logan. 

But Logan knows. 

A few days after Patton’s realization, after saying his farewells to Roman and Virgil, Logan finds Patton sitting in the living room coloring a picture quietly. He watches him for a moment, observing the care and attention Patton puts in to create the picture and smiles to himself. Whoever Patton ends up giving that to will be very lucky to have something crafted with such love. He sits down next to Patton who looks at him and smiles before returning to his coloring. 

Logan clears his throat, breaks the silence, “I noticed you seem to be feeling better.”

Patton nods, not looking up from the picture in his lap, “I am.” he answers sadly.

Logan is quiet for a minute, “I... I suppose that means you guys don't need me here anymore.”

Patton is uncharacteristically quiet. He stops coloring and sets the colored pencil he had been using down beside the others and shows Logan what he had been working on. It is a picture of the four of them, together, all sitting in their traditional movie night spots on the couch and they all look... happy. At the top of the page is a title, the letters all colored in with different patterns and designs, "Family".

Patton takes a moment before he speaks, “We’re a family. And you’re a part of it Logan. It’s not the same here without you. It’s sadder, quieter. It’s empty, like a puzzle missing the last piece. Maybe we won't all completely fall apart if you go, but it’s  _ better  _ with you here. I want you to stay, but... I won't stop you if you choose to go.”

Logan doesn't know what to say. He is touched. Those kind and happy moments from the past few weeks come flooding back, but the angry and hurt part of him raises its head too, talking much louder than those memories and he sighs, “I’m sorry Patton, but I have to go.”

Patton nods, “I understand... I don't actually, but I get it. Before you go,” Patton signs the drawing and holds it out to Logan, “Here. I made this for you to remember us by when you’re... gone.”

Logan takes the picture, looks at it again and shakes his head, “I... I can't take this Patton, it’s far too-”

“Unimportant.”

“Valuable.” Logan finishes.

Patton looks up at Logan with surprise.

“This picture... you made it with so much care and attention to detail. You remembered our favorite mugs and blankets and the ways we all sit. You put  _ love _ into this picture Patton and, well... I don't deserve it.”

Patton smiles sadly, “I guess that’s the hardest thing about love, more than heartbreak, more than fights and hard conversations, is knowing that, at the end of the day, none of us deserve it. But that’s also the beauty of being loved, it means that someone saw you as you are, and chose to give it to you anyway.”

“Why?” Logan asks.

“Because," Patton says simply, "we care.”

Logan looks from Patton back down to the picture clutched in his hands, " _Oh_."

\---

Roman and Virgil don't know what happened to make Logan stay after he had already said goodbye to them, but it doesn't really matter. Because the days that follow are filled with moments of joy, laughter, and banter. Yes, there are hard days, and sometimes they would hurt each other, but they make sure to make it right. 

Logan stays. He hangs that picture on the corkboard above his desk where he is sure to see it everyday. He never finds himself looking for a way or a reason to leave ever again. Because Logan finds that, more than the laughter or the tears, those days and weeks and months that follow are filled with love.


End file.
